POV: Your teenager slams the door loudly and you wonder to yourself what could have possibly happened to that cuddly, chubby-cheeked-child that you once bounced on your lap. The changing dynamics between parents and children can range from moment to moment, from pride to nostalgia to sadness and confusion. While you anticipated that they would grow away from you at some point, you didn’t think it would feel like this, and you didn’t expect to flounder so much to maintain a connection with them while simply keeping them “on track”. Undoubtedly, one of the greatest challenges of parenting teens is in finding the “sweet spot” between encouraging them towards autonomous identity development while also maintaining some type of a positive relationship.
Parenting teenagers can feel like an uphill battle of emotions, conflict, and perhaps some behaviors you’ve never seen before. While you should certainly consult a professional if you notice worrisome behaviors (substance abuse, self-harm/ suicidality, self-isolating, or other high-risk behaviors), here are 5 key tips for communicating with your teen and staying connected as you both navigate this stage of life together.
Tips for Parents Navigating the Teen Years
Set limits with love.
Setting limits allows for a structure within which your teen may grow and develop safely. Base your limits on developmentally appropriate behavior and present your limits with compassion, even when they are not MET with compassion. Parents who set and reinforce consistent limits and expectations allow teens to mature by making “safe” mistakes that help them to learn through natural consequences.
Expert tip for parents: Practicing your own self-care and coping strategies will help you to stay emotionally regulated and prepared to meet your teenager’s pushback with understanding AND firmness.
Learn to validate your child.
While we may not agree that the 10pm curfew that we enforced was “unfair,” we can certainly understand and validate a teen’s desire to be out with their friends. According to the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, “Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation” (Rathus & Miller, 2015, p. 171). Not only does the skill of validation help others to feel more understood and less alone, it can help to de-escalate conflict. And what could be more important than that when we are talking about maintaining an emotional connection with our teenagers?
Remember that validation does not equal agreement, and that we can validate feelings and experiences of others while still upholding limits.
Give your teen the gift of space.
According to the infamous research of Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist, there are eight stages of development that we all must navigate as we seek connection and purpose throughout our lifetimes (Crain, 2011, pp. 283-297). During the phase of adolescence, the specific task one must navigate is building a sense of identity and finding “one’s place in the larger social order” (Crain, 2011, p. 291). Teenagers must be working towards identity development and making strong connections with peers to be prepared to navigate the impending tasks of adulthood effectively.
While most of us understand this idea, it can FEEL HARD to experience your teenager wanting more space, challenging your opinions, and only wanting to be around friends. However, we must keep in mind that these are indications of healthy development and must try not take it personally. Giving your teen time alone to explore individual interests and reflect allows them space to build a strong sense of self. Similarly, giving your teen the ability to prioritize friends allows them opportunity to nurture friendships, build a peer support network, strengthen social skills, and learn to nurture healthy relationships.
*If your child seems unusually withdrawn and isolated or is very invested in peers who are exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, these would be red-flags and indicate a need for further exploration and possibly professional help.
Seek opportunity for positive connection.
Do what they like. Plan special activities together. Write them notes. Make yourself available. Validate them. Be playful. While they are going to turn you down sometimes or even dismiss the effort with attitude, don’t take it personally, give them some space, and try again another time. Tell them you love them and that you are available when they feel like it.
Couples therapist Dr. John Gottman coined the term “Magic Ratio” to describe the idea that healthy relationships generally exhibit at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction (Benson, 2017). While Gottman’s work was primarily focused on couples therapy, the same ratio can be applied to building strong relationships with our children. During a developmental phase that is marked by a natural increase in parent-child conflict, keep a lose goal to have more positive interactions than negative interactions and remember that YOU are in control of YOUR behavior. When conflict or emotionality rises, parents can strive to show-up in these moments with validation, empathy, and compassion. Thus, an interaction that may once have ended in yelling is transformed into a moment of gentle connection and acceptance.
Parents can also increase positive interactions by choosing their battles wisely. Choose to address teen behaviors that are straying from what is developmentally normal, as opposed to picking apart all mistakes or preferences. For example, a parent might choose to have a firm discussion with their teen around repeated substance use but choose NOT to dig their heels in around a teenager keeping their room spotless.
Be prepared to seek repair.
There is no perfect way to parent. We will make mistakes. Our teens will make mistakes. Disagreement and conflict are not only inevitable, but a healthy part of all relationships. Be prepared to use these imperfect moments as opportunities for connection. Making a relational repair is when we acknowledge a mistake in our behavior as it relates to another, and we take responsibility and apologize for it. Not only does this give us a shot at making things right again with our teen, but it allows a space for a potential positive interaction (remember that 5:1 ratio) and it offers an opportunity to model skillful behavior. Especially at an age where lectures go in one ear and out the other, modeling skillful behavior for our children can be the most powerful teacher.
Seeking a repair after a rift in the relationship shows our children that we love them, and that we are willing to acknowledge our mistakes. It demonstrates the ability to emotionally regulate and take responsibility, which are both qualities of partners in healthy relationships (a behavior we want our teens to both LEARN and EXPECT from others).
References
Crain, W. (2011). Theories of development; Concepts and applications (6th ed.). Prentice Hall.
Rathus, J.H. & Miller, A.L. (2015). Dbt skills manual for adolescents. The Guildford Press.
Benson, K. (2017, October 4). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The
Gottman Institute online. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
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