The holiday season is a time when there are expectations to be “together”, “joyous” and to “celebrate.” These descriptive words can greatly differ from the pain, despair, and loneliness that accompany grief and loss. Holiday commercials, social plans, work events, community events or our own memories of past experiences can be triggering and painful for anyone, let alone those who have been through recent, significant, or unresolved loss(es). Below are some examples of ways to cope ahead and manage grief during the holiday using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness-based techniques.
Cope Ahead for the Holidays
- Create a cope ahead plan that lists anticipated triggers and specific coping skills you can apply to each. This could include grief reminders, thinking patterns or expectations, family dynamics or comments from others. Keep this cope ahead plan on an accessible piece of paper so that you can reference it as needed.
- Engage in increased emotional buffers leading up to and during the holiday season. Emotional buffers don’t “fix the problem” however they can help to give us more emotional resilience when we are faced with increased stress or triggers. Examples can include various forms of self-care, setting boundaries, accessing support, engaging in hobbies or enjoyable activities, and focusing on healthy and balanced eating, exercise routine, or sleep schedule.
- If you have a trusted support system, communicate to them that you may have a hard time this holiday season and/or maybe ”off.” Tell them what you need or how they can support you. This can be validating and give a chance for increased support.
Allow Yourself Space to Grieve
- Structured grief journaling includes going in and out of emotional pain so that you can feel more in control of your grief experience. This can include 20 minutes of grief journaling (with topics such as what you miss about the loss, your feelings of anger or sadness, or writing directly to what you lost) followed immediately by cognitive distraction (ABC game where you pick a topic and go A-Z, or anything that will distract your mind).
- Mindfulness can be used to stay present with your emotions and help to “ride the wave” of grief triggers. This can help avoid extremes of avoiding or rushing through emotions or feeling “pummeled” by them. Examples can be as simple as saying to yourself “I notice a grief trigger,” “I notice I feel sad” or “I notice tension in my body.”
- Remember that painful emotions are okay, healthy, and a normal part of the grief experience. Validate your feelings and use known coping skills to manage their intensity or duration so that they don’t become too overwhelming.
Consider Making Meaning of the Loss
- Making meaning can be any way you choose to honor or connect with what you lost. There is no right or wrong way to do this and this can be very personal and/or spiritual. Examples may include adapting holiday traditions in some way, special physical items that you keep accessible (pictures, jewelry, clothing, etc), symbols of grief, or reflecting on what the loss has taught you in regard to values, priorities, or life lessons.
- This can come later in the grief process after the pain has been processed. You may not be ready for this by the time of the holiday season and that is okay.
Have Realistic Expectations and Be Gentle with Yourself During and After the Holidays:
- Please remember: HOLIDAYS CAN BE HARD. GRIEF IS HARD. It is okay and expected to have a mix of feelings or responses.
- Don’t pressure yourself to be happy or sad and try to keep your expectations neutral and thoughts balanced. Examples can include “I am struggling with the holidays this year, and that is okay” or “I don’t know how I feel and that is okay.”
- Allow yourself time to rest, decompress, recharge, or take space as needed. This may be an extra day off work, having some alone time, allowing yourself space to do something special for you, or taking time to reflect, journal, or process your grief and experience over the holiday season.
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