“You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”~ Martin Luther
Unpleasant, challenging, and, frankly, bad things happen sometimes. They happen in the world, in our relationships, jobs, bodies, finances, and families. Many of these difficulties we can’t prevent. That said, there is one thing we can do. We can say yes to all the things we don’t want.
It’s a paradoxical solution, but it works. Once we accept that things will not always go the way we wish they would, we can more easily accept the unpleasantness, emotional havoc, and frustrations inherent in everyone’s life.
I don’t like those things any more than you do. And, having been on this earth for more than three score and 10, I have even less patience for them now than I used to; however, I know that my job is to bear everything I can. It’s not fun, but it always changes. My job, and maybe it’s yours too, is to find as much joy as possible amid the chaos of even the most predictable life.
As my friend Betsy Johnson likes to say, life gets lifey. I like it as it’s a shorthand way of acknowledging that we’re not going to like it all.
Sometimes, when life gets a little too lifey for your body, mind, and spirit to assimilate with acceptance, let yourself be in a miserable mood. It won’t last. Let yourself get angry. I wouldn’t suggest taking it out on somebody, but you can make it safe to feel the feeling. Let yourself feel anxious, it’s unpleasant, and can feel scary, but it’s temporary.
Slow down. Don’t try to cross everything off your to-do list. The world will still keep spinning on its axis. Allowing time to be with what is helps you cope with the discomfort that often comes from feeling less in control. Trust me, with time you can shift your relationship to the inevitable bad moods, bad news, and unpleasant interactions that are part of even the best life.
Give yourself a break. That might mean wanting less so you can work less, simplifying your social life, doing certain chores less frequently, cooking simpler food, or staring into space. It can be helpful to look at a typical day and ask yourself if everything you spent time on was really necessary, except anything fun or satisfying.
Life is going be how it is, whether we like it or not. And we’re going to get through everything, even if we feel tense, anxious, angry, frustrated, or any other unpleasant emotion. The fact is we managed to live through everything, so far. You don’t have to do it with a great attitude. If you’re not in school anymore, no one is grading you except you, and that brings up another point. A hefty dose of self-compassion goes a long way to helping you be in the moment, however, that moment appears.
Be curious. Curiosity and a willingness to experiment with doing even the littlest thing differently, can save your emotional bacon.
Curiosity and experimentation invite pleasure into your life. What new delight can you discover? How much more can you savor food, music, nature, movement, good company, a book, TV, or anything else that engages your five senses? How much can you savor simply being? I know that’s a tall order in our society that’s hell-bent for leather on doing. You might even get curious and experiment with how it feels to look at the clouds, lie in a relaxing Epsom salt bath, or fully taste whatever food you’re eating.
If you’re paying attention, even the most predictable life is full of ups and downs. Inside you, outside you, and interpersonally. It’s just the way it is. Yes, it would be wonderful if we could roll with those vicissitudes with grace and acceptance, but that’s not always possible. Sometimes, we just react, and it isn’t pretty. By squeezing joy out of as many things as possible, you not only help balance the yin and yang of life but also steal yourself for the times that feel scary or challenging.
If it’s any comfort, know this: none of us came here with a user manual. Living in our little earth suits, interacting with different people, each one whose head is its own world, and facing myriad challenges we never could have imagined as technology complicates our lives, knowledge of world events that gets delivered to us in a nanosecond, and we’re bombarded by choices on a scale never before imagined in the history of humanity can be tough.
Just give yourself a break. It’s not easy being human. Seek out pleasure. Infuse your day with meaning, whether it’s the accomplishment of cleaning the kitchen floor, or doing neurosurgery. Everything is valid, and anything can be as meaningful as you decide it is.
Remember: everyone is just muddling through, no matter what it looks like. You’re living on a spinning blue planet in the middle of trillions of galaxies with 8 billion other people. How could that not be challenging?
Starting today, give yourself a break, take it easy, and enjoy whatever you possibly can.
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